Super-Private Letter to King Feddy

{pre-script: i tried posting this as a comment but blogger started puking on the html it wouldn't allow there, but did allow as a main entry. i got sick of editing the offensive code out, so i'm just sticking it as an entry. people who aren't feddy, don't read this. it's private. really. i mean there's sex stuff in here. and kitchen utensils. and recording devices. and swearing. and i call the king a "bitch." seriously. at least one of the things i've just said is true. it's not pretty. don't read it.}

your Highness,

first and foremost, thank you for taking the time to dictate to your scribes (or whatever the hell it is that you do that manages to actually make words up here) and post a "review" in, oh, THE SAME FRICKEN WEEK that we ate. that's mighty big of you.

two small points.

one, i do a lot of things when i write, but one of them is not misrepresenting the way you talk. you swear a lot. i absolutely promise you that when we were talking about i restaurant you either said "who would be so fucked-up as to call a restaurant that?" or "what kind of a fucked-up name is that for a restaurant?" i'm pretty sure it was the first, but it may have been the second. it's definitely one of the two. definitely.

i'm not baggin' on you for it. it was a conversation that we had in private, that you had no way of knowing was going to be published (and before we had talked about "here"), so i put it in for minimal shock-value and veritae.

i like talking to you. i like your language, style and form. i like what you represent. i'm not taking umbrage to your use of the word.

when it comes to using the word "fuck," i barely use it. it's a word *i* use in conversation less than once a month (i do quote it from other people -- in fact that's my most common usage). outside of "extreme personal situations," i think it's a low word used by the stupid and dull. people tend to write much more aggressively than they behave -- in fact it's one of the big problems of the internet and electronic communication (except in my case, of course, where it's pure genius).

i can partially prove my usage. it's safe to say if i was going to swear anywhere, it'd probably be here. if you go back and look at the arch, you'll see i've used the word three times in two-and-a-half years. two of those were semi-quotes, one of them was pure me.

i don't quote someone's usage of it when they're not using it. i don't.

in fact, you pretending little swine, look at what you wrote. IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH you said "WTF?" and that is right. that is the way you talk. except you don't use letters, you use words. (unless you're trying to be funny; which is, in fact, pretty funny, but that's not your style of humor.)

in the opinion that i hold (that you would undoubtedly argue is not all that accurate) you have the memory of a pasta colander. you hold the cooked thought, but drain away the hot water that made it that way.

at some level i can even prove your raw memory expertise.

when you interviewed me at apple ... the day i met you ... you interviewed me with your HEAD AGAINST THE WALL THE ENTIRE INTERVIEW for chrissake ... you were all spun from doing a/ux work ... you didn't want to interview me, neither did the deadman (who was your interviewing partner) ... so rather than interview you just told me what apple was like ... i was absolutely convinced that it was a test ... you guys wanted to see if i'd crack under the weirdness of it all.

now.

you don't remember this event, or if you do, it's only because i told you about it later. (because last time i told you about this you said you didn't remember. oh, but you might not remember THAT. arrrrrrrrrgh. why is it i want to say "fuck" here?) and the event i'm talking about is much less than that.

so when i say that's the word you're using, that's the fricken word you're using. i'll go further and say you have no idea how much you swear. none. (and don't start in on the $5 f-bomb thing you have going at your house).

read this next part very carefully:

i am going to tape the next phone conversation we have that's longer than three minutes.

then we'll either:

a) go back and listen to it and agree that it's what you said and count the number of times you swear.

= or =

b) i'll just post the transcript here.

i suggest blocking my phone number if you don't want to see who is going to end up right. because being wrong's a bitch.

two, your concept of journalistic integrity is both forthright and touching. the fact that you have moral fortitude is one of the things i've always liked about you. it's a peculiar trait to find in anyone in a valley that's otherwise an ethical vacuum.

i'm intimately familiar with the concept and everything revolving around it. remember, i went out for years with a high powered business editor and wrote a regular column for a major publication.

(i have intentionally posted that letter to stick a thumb in the eye of journalistic integrity. it is the reason i posted it.)

ANYWAY.

taking that line gets you no free food.

honestly feddy, if i got a free meal do you think i'd be too afraid to say that or somehow cover it up? you know me better than that.

"i would say that 'the food sucked rhino,' but i was given a free coupon. what's not to like about that? it was pretty damn good."

this is a grander experiment in can-i-get-a-free-meal-this-way? i honestly don't know. (for someone who is as aware and capable in art as you are, you sure don't have a very good feel for the concept of "performance" over-and-above a stump stage.)

AND.

no one is going to read this damn thing for the reviews. they won't. well, they kind of might by freakish google hits, but it's not like this is yelp. so what we say doesn't really matter.

AND.

that's ignoring the much bigger and true fact that almost no one will read this, period. between us we have, maybe ten people that will read it on a "regular" (meaning at least monthly) basis.

okay, so i was going to post this as a letter on the main page, but that seems too overblown. i'll stick it as a comment -- most people don't read these damn things anyway (if i'd waited a week to post the comment, no one would see it except for you, and that is too underblown).

your servant,
b1